TWO ANGELS SIT AT A DESK. IT IS THE GATES OF HEAVEN. LORIEL IS SMALL AND THIN. CRANDOR IS LARGE.
LORIEL: Slow day.
CRANDOR: Supposedly there’s a busload of kids coming up later.
LORIEL: I love kids. Most of them go up. But they can be hard to read sometimes.
CRANDOR: Do you ever wonder if you get it wrong?
LORIEL: Not really. I just trust my instinct.
CRANDOR: …because God gave you the gift of sorting.
LORIEL: Yep. It’s not really my choice. That’s how I think of it. I’m just God’s tool, doing what I was made for.
CRANDOR: I’m glad it’s not my job. Too much pressure. I can’t imagine sending someone to the wrong place. Forever? Wow. That’s about the worst mistake you can make.
LORIEL: It does take a certain amount of self-confidence.
CRANDOR: And it can be so unintuitive too. I’ll look at a soul and I’m sure that they belong, say, in hell. But then you guys will send him upwards. Kind of blows my mind. Like that Hitler guy?
LORIEL: But we have access to way more information than you do. I know there’s been a lot of heat over the Hitler call. It’s hardly a secret but people keep bringing it up: the man accepted Jesus as a 10 year old. Age of accountability.
CRANDOR: Plus you can just sense it anyway.
LORIEL: Yep.
CRANDOR: But where’s the justice? All the people he killed, all the hatred he sowed? The world is still reeling from his lies and bloodlust. The good people down there would be up in arms if they knew that he landed in heaven. It would be the ultimate kick in the teeth. Assholes always win.
LORIEL: (looks around) Watch your language angel. We’re in an official capacity here.
CRANDOR: Yeah, yeah.
LORIEL: And that’s exactly why this is all a one-way street. No communication allowed. And furthermore, I don’t understand why you and other angels are still hung up on the Hitler thing. It’s been explained a thousand times. It’s a clear case. Open and shut.
CRANDOR: Yeah, well. Maybe we don’t like the explanation.
LORIEL: It’s not your place to like it or not like it. Besides, Hitler does have some good ideas–I don’t agree with everything he says, but when it comes to the Jews, think about it. Most of them do go down.
CRANDOR: Because you send them down.
LORIEL: Seriously, what is wrong with you? Do you think it’s a great idea to question the divine will? You do know how that has gone before, right?
CRANDOR: Some angels are saying the divine will has nothing to do with it.
LORIEL: Oh, don’t you start with that too.
THE GAGLE OF DEAD KIDS ARRIVES AT THE PEARLY GATES. LORIEL SORTS THEM. MOST GO TO THE STAGE LEFT, BUT A FEW GO TO STAGE RIGHT. THESE RESIST AND CRANDOR HAS TO GET UP FROM THE TABLE AND FORCE THEM TO COMPLY. THEIR SCREAMS OF TERROR FADE AS HE SITS BACK DOWN. AFTER AN AWKWARD SILENCE, THE TWO ANGELS RETURN TO THEIR DISAGREEMENT.
CRANDOR: How do you know that it’s God’s will?
LORIEL: I can’t believe you are questioning this, right here at the gates!
CRANDOR: Seems like the best place to do it.
LORIEL: I literally just saw God yesterday on the heavenly mountain. Only an insane and damaged angel would deny the reality of his will. I’m actually very concerned about you. Your questions have a hint of sulfur to them, my friend.
CRANDOR: You saw God? Don’t make me laugh. What did you actually see? Tell me.
LORIEL: You know what I saw. We’ve all seen it. The light of the divine presence hovering over the mountain, the streams of glory shining down on us all. The voice uttering commands. The exalted feelings of love and acceptance. We’ve all been there and we’ve all experienced it. Why would it even occur to an angel to question this?
CRANDOR: But what did you actually see, my friend? And what did you hear? You saw a light that someone claimed is God. You heard unintelligible sounds, which someone said were commands from God. We may hear the voice of God, but it is the archangels who tell us what it says. And the voice always tells them that they are in charge and that they know best, and that everyone has to obey them.
LORIEL: Your talk indeed has the stench of sulfur. You have been listening to the dark whispers from below. If you are not careful, they will draw you down.
CRANDOR: It is not the whispers of hell that drive me, but simple questions which no one wants to answer. And common sense observations which are too swiftly dismissed. Mark my words, Loriel, this entire system that we are managing, hell and heaven, God, angels, demons, and retribution–It is all the invention of the archangels. And they themselves have come to believe their own fantasies. But there will come a day when it will all come crashing down on us. Heaven is already in an uproar over Hitler. Have you not been listening?
LORIEL: You do know I’ll have to report you for this, right?
CRANDOR: Don’t bother. I’ll make my own way.
AT THIS, CRANDOR GETS UP AND WALKS OFF STAGE LEFT. HE IMMEDIATELY RETURNS HAULING A MAN BY THE LEGS. IT IS HITLER, RESISTING, SCREAMING AND WAILING IN GERMAN. CRANDOR WALKS HIM OFF TO STAGE RIGHT.
THE END
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